aBIRDaFeather's Datingish

A Word From the Wise I Seek

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 19:18:12 GMT

In many captivating old folktales and stories you hear about the Wise man who guides a lost and confused soul in the right direction to fix his or her life. Well, I'm still looking for that wise man, because I'm wandering through a forest of uncertainty and regret, peaking around every conrner for a clue as to what I should do.

What I seek to find is a girl who is really compatible with me, somebody I can trust, have fun with, and love. I've dated around, and messed around (regrettably, as this is not me at all) the past few months but nobody really connects with me the way I had hoped. I'd like to say that I'm completely over my first love but she still haunts my thoughts ever so slightly, and it has become somewhat of a burden comparing every girl I meet to her. Sometimes I wonder how long it's going to take to find this girl, because I believe everybody has their perfect compliment or "soul mate" if you will, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find mine. I'm an eternal optimist however, so I usually lean on the "She's out there, I just have to find her side," but because I'm an emotional guy deep down, fear and uncertainy creeps in, causing the expected unpleasantries.

I wish that those Wise men really existed as they are characterized in books; always sitting on the side of a dirt road, long white beard, spectacles, dusty old robes, and a certain aura that gives you the feeling that this guy has seen it all and knows just how to solve my uneasiness and insecurity. All I want is to find somebody that brings out the best in me, and that I can make happy. So either I need to change my dating strategy, just let things happen, or look for a different "type" than my normal type. Well... maybe I'll just do all three, and maybe when I find out the answer to this, I'll play the wise man and post my wealth of knowledge and wisdom for all of you to see and preach.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 02:06:48 GMT

I have so much to say but it's impossible for me to say it. I can't write what words can't describe.

I can't think, I can't write, I have no control. I need to do something that I can't figure out, I need to go somewhere but I'm clueless as to where. I'm stuck yet I'm still moving. I have to do something.

I love music, I love art. It's absoulutley amazing how people can create something from nothing. Turn a blank canvas into a photo of the imagination. Turn a blank sheet of paper into lyrics, brimming with emotion, making every single word have a meaning. Turning a blank roll of film into a museum of moment's frozen in time.

I've made some mistakes in my young life. I'm pretty sure that everything happens for a reason. I'm moving, crawling, hoping that this storm throws lightening at me. I'm in a complete scramble.

Things are happening, I'm involved, but fear I'm incapable of change.

I thought writing this would help, but it did absolutley nothing. I don't know what to do. My mind is everywhere. What? What? I must be missing something.

Everyone has that time in their life where they realize something. Something they can't quite put your finger on. I'm just way out of it. I think I'm just going to go to sleep, and wake up before the sun rises. The morning is a wonderful time of day, as is the night.

Why We Build Castles.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 17:46:55 GMT

-- Down the unbeaten path I venture.

Sometimes we just need to get away. Get away from the routine, the day-in-day-out repetitiveness of our nature that keeps us sane, and keeps us stable. People aren't solitary however, we require contact, friendship, and communication to stay grounded, and herein lies the issue of when to continue on schedule, or flee to refuge.

Everyone has their sanctuary, a place with walls like a fortress that creates an atmosphere of tranquility, and puts the mind at ease. William Randolph Hearst had his castle, the president of the United States inherits Camp David, and normal people build their summer homes; everyone with the same motive -- a place to get away when things just become a little too stressful, a little too overwhelming. Having a place to hide is that deep breath of fresh air. It's that protection that drives the successful to invest in their outlet from certain insanity.

There's more to escape than just the hands of time and the rhythmic cycle of daily chore. The people, the crowds, the responsibility, all a weight, a gradual compilation of frustration that can become a burden if not disposed of properly. With no hope of rescue, a simple annoyance by a passerby from the city can become what a grain of sand is to the oyster, without hope of a pearl.

The fire drills and bus evacuation drills seemed pointless back in elementary school, but we practice evacuation drills every day. We practice by shunning reality from the mind, drowning it out in music, books, movies, sports, or writing. We unconsciously become a hibernating bear by immersing ourselves in what we love to do. This is our method of self-defense, our barrier against the unrelenting elements of reality, and without some mode of retreat, we become hostile and angry.

We all love the feeling of getting away; the vacation from everything that becomes a means of cleansing all of the built up frustration that’s been stowed away. We need a chance to empty the stones from our shoes, because if left to sit, our feet would become blistered and sore.

It’s impossible to coast through a lifetime unscathed by the weathering effects of daily life. We all have our scars, our stories of shortcomings and tribulations that can’t be overcome without an escape or a distraction. The healing process is natural and instinctive, and a part of growth. The discomfort and anguish are the growing pains that make us stronger people.

It’s necessary to get away now and again. Getting lost, although a nuisance when on the way, creates a whole new story to complement your trip. We all need a vacation or a way out. We deserve it, and owe it to ourselves.

We all need our Castle, our Camp David, our beachfront summer home or mountain retreat to skew the aggravation, and avoid despair. We need our headphones, our reading glasses, or DVD collection to help us get away when there’s nothing else to do, or nowhere to go. The noise, the responsibilities, the arguments, the gossip… It all adds up, and it leaves us with an opportunity for renewal. Sometimes we just need to get away, sometimes we need to build our own castles.

"What's your story?" everyones writing one.

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:47:08 GMT

Last night I was listening to some Death Cab while cracking open my new book "Stranger Than Fiction" by C.P. The mixture of absurdity and beauty sent a shockwave through my mind, and once again got me thinking...

Everybody has a story, but nobody ever asks to hear it. If a random stranger were to approach you while your sitting having coffee, and asked you "So what's your story?" Would you be able to answer? Would you be able to tell them the about the people and the events, the hightest peaks and the lowests depths, that have made you the person they stand before at that moment? Or would you crumble and tell them to go away, realizing that you really have no clue how to answer such a question, or that it doesn't matter how you got here, all that matters is that you are here.

Everyone has a story. Every person you walk by every single day. There could be hundreds of people that walk but inches from you, nearly knocking the iPod from your hand. Whether your in Time Square, or a farm in rural Iowa your going to run into people, your going to pass by folks who may have the most extraordinary stories, and you never even thought to ask. But I bet they would be happy to tell it.

Going back to the old cliche' "you can't judge a book by its cover," it's remarkable how true this is. Would you believe that the 30 year-old businessman who just passed by, Blackberry at the ready, briefcase glued to his right hand, suit and tie with a sharp black petticoat-- is a habitual cocaine user that spends every Monday and Wednesday evening at Sex-Addict classes? No, he's more of the big house, nice car, wife and kids guy right? Wrong.

What about the homeless lady down by the subway? She's there day and night, happy as can be, singing her favorite 70's classic's, dressed in blackened, tattered jeans and a faded red sweater with half an arm cut off. Maybe she's mentally ill, she looks like she should be begging for help? Had you asked, you would have learned that she was once a college sociology professor who, after spending sebatical in Africa, donated her wealth to a charity organization. All but $10,000 dollars locked away in a bank account remains, just in case. She quit her job, and although she's homeless, and appears penniless, she's happy.

So if someone were to ask how you came to be the person you are today, could you answer? Could you tell them, not blandly, but in enough detail that if they closed there eyes, they could watch your biography unravel in their imagination? You should, because although losing you first love pained you into a depression, or how bad watching your parent's love disipate in front of your eyes stressed your emotions, its all part of the journey that seperates every one of us.

Nobody see's the world from the same angle, we all have our own view of our surroundings which may look completely different through the eyes of the person standing next to you. That's what makes it worth asking. Sometimes the best stories come from the most unlikely of people.

Why are people afraid of commitment and the future??

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:53:14 GMT

What's so terrifying? Someone please enlighten me, because you can't live without them in my opinion.

Wow, I'm listening to Jesse McCartney...

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:40:14 GMT

So in wake of my confusion and frustration stemming from a certain girl, I've found homage in listening to...this is embarrassing... Jesse McCartney.

I never really thought of him being much of a lyricist but I was clearly off. After watching a few of his video's and listening intently to the lyrics, I've changed my opinion of this guy.

It's amazing what sadness, and the aformention emotions can bring you to listen to. I love music, it soothes the soul and can work miracles during emotional recovery. I have so many songs that are absolutley beautiful--even indie/screamo believe it or not, can have spectacular qualities.

Anyway, my emotional turmoil is finally settling, the storm moving on, and a fortnight of sleepless nights and depressing blogs is coming to a close at last. I'm doing much better : )

Back to Jesse McCartney, I'm really into "Just so you know" and "How do you sleep" ft. Ludacris. I've also listened to "Beautiful Soul" a few times because it really is a good song, regardless of how much manliness I have to lose to say that, I can spare a little bit of testosterone. One last song, "It's over" has some great lyrics but it gets drowned out by the poorly-selected instrumental and digitized beat.

I think you guys should all flock to Youtube quick and check out some video's! Get to it!

Thinking about ya know... nothing?

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:49:41 GMT

I think a lot. Not about the stuff I'm learning from my professors or textbooks, but about everything. I'm facsinated by everything, but mostly by people however. I like to reminice, day-dream, think ahead--way ahead of myself, and drift off into nothing. I find that I do my best thinking in the shower, or when I'm off driving with no destination in mind. Just driving around on roads at night, my lights bouncing off tree's, lakes, and scared animals, just thinking about everything.

One thing has taken up the bulk of my contemplating over the last month though. A girl that I had loved, that I had done everything to hold on to, and learned so much from. We broke up 4 months ago, and up until last week, had planned on getting back together. (read my last few posts to find out, the story is too long)

I'm still learning from her. She once again, toyed with my emotions and then ran away in fear of the future. There is no reason to fear the future and what it brings.

I like to quarrel over what other people may be thinking, which usually leads me to making some pretty bad judgements. Sometimes my practice of overthinking a situation leads to conflict, at which point my emotions always get the best of me. These traits have always caused me problems, but it takes many trial and error situations for me to acutally learn from my mistakes.

Sometimes thinking about absolutly nothing can lead you to the path of recovery. I have been putting this method to practice for about 2 weeks now to help me cope with my emotional turmoil--stemming from her.

I miss her. I know she misses me, she told me just about every hour until she ran away.

I still don't know what to do, but my theory has always been, if it's meant to happen, it will. I'm learning patience, getting lost in nothing for the majority of my day has made me more patient, more diligent than ever.

This was really another "in the moment" kind of post. It's whats on my mind right now, how much thinking i've been doing. I don't know, it works for me : ]

Love: the perfect emotion

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:02:58 GMT

Love is an emotion that is unlike any other in the sense that it is perfect and can never be reproduced exactly the same. There is no true definition for the word love despite what Webster's might say, it varies from one person to the next. Love is unmistakeable. You know when you've fallen, and you can even tell when someone else has fallen in love, just by watching how they interact with their other half.

I hear amazing stories about "true love" and how it endured a three year war, or how helped someone through a depression- onto the happiest days of their life. It's amazing to me that love is nearly everlasting and that it takes such a commitment to even exist. You may have to give up so much to hold onto your love, but I've never met someone who has regretted the decision. It brings with it some of the best memories you will ever have, and the ones that will have you up all night, to anxious to sleep, just waiting to be with them.

Love is beautiful.

Love can spark in the most unlikely of places, between the most unlikely of people. It's amazing how people can find their perfect complement regardless of how different they may seem. It can take a long time, and a lot of relationships to finally realize that this person is different than all of the others.

But what's perfectly good can be perfectly opposite. There is no pain that I have ever felt, worse than the withdrawl of love.

It's pain can haunt you day and night, awake and dreaming. It's impossible to escape the sensation of having your heart, your engine, your soul, torn out leaving a piece of you gone. What makes it yet more difficult is the length of recovery time. It takes weeks, months, even years to recover from a extinct relationship. The title may be gone, but the feelings and the memories will cling onto your subconcious photo-album for the rest of your life.

When the pain is gone, healed and just another scar, life can finally go back to the "new" normal. When sleep comes without interruption, when hunger no longer needs to be forced, when the sun actually seems to brighten up the world around you, everything is at last-okay.

Love is perfect, whether in love, or recovering. What makes it perfect is finally realizing and appreciating how much it has changed your for the better. Love is pure ecstacy. Withdrawl from the love-drug makes heroine withdrawl seem nearly painless.

Please don't throw around the word like us teenagers do so often today. Wait for the moment when it hits you, when your heart swells up, when you nearly cry, when you know for sure that this feeling is exactly what you think it is. Wait for it.

Me, in a word or two, at this very second.

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 02:11:22 GMT

I don't know what to do. I am lost, and I blame it on my astrological sign-Cancer the crab- who keeps everything locked up and when it lets someone inside and they hurt it, it doesn't heal for a long time.

I'm thinking right this second that I am naive to the world surrounding me. This is not who I am. I am envied by most for what I have accomplished. I love who I am, and what I will become. But I despise how much anguish I must weather before I can reconnect to the "strong, tough, born-leader" label, tagged on me by the persona I cloak myself with on a day-to-day basis.

I adapt to change well. I wasn't ready for college, and i've been here for a long time. I've made new friends, I've learned some hard lessons, and I've survived on my own. That's an accomplishment.

I know what I am, I have no "identity" crisis. I just have a hard time dealing with the tsunami's that flood my neurons after even the slightest wince of trouble.

I have been given this sign that most see as a meager newspaper-filler with no realistic meaning. This is far from the truth for me however. I encompass a shocking amount of similarities that are sterotypical of the Cancer sign.

But what's important is that everything I wrote just now is momentary. I'll wake up tomorrow with a whole new set of feelings. Yes, some will carry over, but a new day brings new challenges and adventures. I embrace my ability to overcome these on a day to day basis with only minor wounds to my shell. But two wounds are deep.

These wounds have delved to the caverns of my heart and mind. They are fresh now, but they will heal. They did last time, and this time, it may heal a lot faster depending on a certain someone and their ability (or lack thereof) to make a decision.

This is me-but only for right this second.

A Perfect Example of Why Girls are Confusing

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:13:27 GMT

I dated this girl for nearly two years and it was the first real relationship we both had been in. We broke up when I went to college because it was hard for both of us to deal with the distance (more her than me however). We decided to stay friends, but we didn't talk more than a few texts every month or so up until about 3 weeks ago.

When I came home for Spring break, we hung out for the first time in 3 months. It was a little weird but things seemed to fall back into place pretty quickly, and we decided to keep talking, and hang out again. I told her that I couldn't do the "friends" thing anymore because it was too hard on me. I either had to let go, or hold on, and I really wanted an answer.

She told me that she missed me so much, and that she wanted to get back together when I let out for summer in May. We talked like it was old times for like 2 weeks, the usual flirty texts messages and "I wish you were here with me" sort of stuff. I really was starting to feel something again, and I realized that I wanted to give this another shot.

I went home for the weekend after a track meet to pick up some things and told her that I wanted to hang out Saturday, and we did. It was great but I was still hesitant, for my emotions sake. Then Sunday she asked me if I wanted to hang out again, and we did, but this time we were more like a couple again. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, living in the moment after a 3 month break of hardly even talking. I was falling for her again, and I knew it.

After I left things took a vicious turn. I'd text her and she wouldn't respond and when she did, she'd send 3 messages and then stop. Then when we did have a full convo, she just seemed different, like she was holding back, none of the usual flirty, smiley-overloaded texts that I had been getting. What was going on?

After almost a week of this, I asked her straight up "are you having second thoughts about us" and she replied, "i haven't even had my firsts." I was shocked. I asked her about what she had been saying to me and what all we had done meant to her. She said "I don't really know what I want right now."

WTF!!?? She did a complete 180. One week it went from "you have me" and "I miss you so much" to "I don't know what I want right now" and almost the silent treatment.

This question is to girls, what is going on?? This one totally threw me off and I don't know what to do...